Patience

Last night as Dave and I were praying before bed I started to cry!

I just miss being pregnant. I miss holding my little belly. I miss daydreaming about what it was going to be, boy or girl. I miss talking with Dave about all of the silly fun things we were going to do with our little one and all of the silly things babies do that we would just sit and giggle at. I miss the little kids I nanny asking me questions non stop about what the baby was growing that day. I miss knowing that I was going to have a baby in March in Utah with all of my family and friends close by. I miss reading all of my books on the babies developement and how to be a good mom. I miss wearing elastic pants. I miss thinking of baby names. I miss the excitment the filled me every time I saw mother and her little one in church. It's only been 23 days today since we lost our little one. 23 days of coping. 23 days less I have to wait to start trying again. My life seems to have the theme of patience these days, and some days I am better than others.

But each day I count my blessings because I know Dave and I have been blessed in so many ways!

Halloween Time

Our little apartment is starting to look a little like Halloween.

Stay tuned for our awsome Halloween costumes this year!

Dave Leaves tomorrow for his third med school interview and comes back Saturday! He will be in Chicago this time around and will stay with his brother Danny and family....Chicago=cold! But hey if the school fits...I am willing to stick it out for a few years. Dave got accepted by one school all ready but wants to check out all of his options first. I will be keeping myself busy while he is gone organizing the apartment, taking the kids I nanny to their dad's sweet company Halloween party on Friday (Omniture flies in mijits from vegas to dress up every year and decorates every wing in the building for kids and grown ups to trick or treat through...it's huge) and throwing a joint baby shower for two wonderful friends saturday.

sweet somethings

Here is the first thing that little Mary (age 6) said to me when I picked her up from school Monday....

"Megan, I'm sorry about your baby. but I'm happy you get to be my nanny longer."

Followed by a big hug from that little sweetheart!

I love her!!!

Friends

Most people think they have good friends but I just had to take a moment to brag about some of ours... Not only are they fun, hilarious, we could talk forever with them, we never get sick of them, can't get enough of them....but they are soooo thoughtful and caring too.

Dave and I have been pretty recluse since we moved into our new apartment....be it school, loosing our little one and work...it seems like every free moment we have had, we have kept to ourselves!

So this weekend we decided we were going to hang out with some of our favorite friends.

aka...the besties lol

Out of the 8 of these friends 5 of them have October birthdays so we went to Tucanos SLC for their free birthday lunches.

We laughed a lot and ate enough food to feed a small country.

Then we watched the BYU football game. (horrible)

Then we went to Sammy's....our favorite, hole in the wall, burger joint, and got pie shakes.

Then had a great game night.

At the end of the night they suprised Dave and I with a gift.

It was a WAY too expensive gift card to only be used for a weekend getaway for 2, with an explanation saying they loved us and knew we needed it after what we just went through and Dave leaving so much for med school interviews soon. and that we had to take photos, when appropriate, to prove we used it for a getaway.

I couldn't help but cry. Spending the day out with them was enough for me, but how amazingly thoughtful!

Especially because we are all poor college students and they are all about to have babies!!

If they are half as good at being parents as they are at being good friends to Dave and I....they will still be amazing parents!!!! I mean it!

So......yes....our friends are awsome in every way!

Dave and I plan to use our gift when we are ready to try for little one #2. hehe

we feel so blessed because we know these aren't our only awsome friends!

Thank You

Thank you everyone for your comments and prayers. We are keeping strong and carrying on and smiling while we count our blessings.

I had no idea so many people read my blog. I have had so many calls, messages and emails in response to posting. I was really hesitant to post about this expirience but I know it is much easier to have someone know than to come up to me and ask me how our baby is and what not.

We feel so blessed to have such comforting friends and family and a firm knowledge of the Gospel Thank you again!

Hugs, The Holts

Mom got Hitched

Meet the new Mr & Mrs Nelson.

(aka my adorable mother and sweet new step father dancing down the isle)

Yep! They are pretty much made for eachother!

Lately I have been counting my blessings and here is one that is pretty recent.

I haven't seen or heard my mother be so happy in 13 years!

She is radiating Joy and Happiness.

I feel lucky to have been married to Dave for almost 2.5 years and still feel the same way.

But there is no woman more deserving of such a great guy, than my mom!

We are so happy for you little Mrs.

Gaurdian Angels

Well here it goes.....recently Dave and I have gone through something pretty heartbreaking and I have had a few days now to try and learn how to cope with it and I think it helps to just talk about it....rather than ignore the world and pretend like nothing happened.

Dave and I got back from Paris on cloud nine and I thought life couldn't get any better. We had just had the time of our lives, our little one was growing, Dave had received interview offers from 7 med schools and we were head over heals in love with each other. A few days later we went in for my 18 week checkup at the clinic. Our Dr. took my vitals and samples and said everything looked great and that we should schedule an ultrasound to see what our little one was...a boy or a girl. Then it was time to use the doppler and hear that precious little heartbeat we had hear just a few weeks previous. She kept moving the doppler around on my stomach and telling me to relax so it would work...1 minute turned into two....two minutes turned into four and still we couldn't find a heart beat. I was scared but kept telling myself the doppler is just stupid machine. So my Dr. went right over to her computer and asked if I would have time today to go straight to the hospital to get an ultrasound....I said yes and started to ball but was still hoping for the best. As we got to the hospital I was trying really hard not to cry....I was so worried. We went into the first room which had multiple beds and machines seperated by curtains....I kept looking at the T.V. at our little baby while the first nurse took an ultrasound and felt so much love for it. I was amazed at how big it was all ready and relieved to just be able to see our little one finally, even if there was no heartbeat. I wasn't oblivious that our nurse was silent until she asked us to move into a seperate room......it was just us sitting there in a dark room now in solitude. Another nurse came in and took a look at the baby again. She measured it and explained to us that the baby had swelling around it's head and had passed away a few weeks earlier (shortly after our last appointment where we heard the heart beat). I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. Sweet dave held me as I tearfully asked the nurse for a picture to keep. Then the Doctor came in to confirm that our little one had gone to heaven sooner than we had hoped and what would happen next. We have never been so heartbroken in our life. I know miscarriages are common....but I thought being 18 weeks along I was in the clear and was oh so excited to be a mother and for Dave to be a Father. There was nothing left to do after the doctors but to cry. Dave and I held each other and we cried for the next 24 hours. Then came the hardest part....That next afternoon Dave had to catch a flight out to St. Louis for his first med school interview....I was so excited for him and greatful that we had something to look forward to and talk about after such bad news...but now I was left alone to deal with this for the next 4 days.

I am so greatful for Dave because I know I could not have made it through those 4 days if he hadn't made me the strong woman I am today. I turned to the Lord and counted my blessings. My family were angels and brought me food and hugs. My ward was great and brought me food and hugs. I was at the point where I knew I was going to be ok and felt ready to talk about it...and then Friday came. Still no word from the Dr. as to when I could go in and get a DNC...my house was spotless, and I didn't know what to do with myself....so I went to the gym. after being on the eliptical for about 2 minutes....my water broke. I ran to the bathroom and called my sister and asked her to bring me some clothes. I talked with the Dr. and then went home. I ended up passing the fetus in my own apartment, by myself, with Dave on the phone. I was in shock and shaking and greatful Dave had some Lortab to help with the contractions in the pantry. When I saw the fetus I couldn't hold back the tears. It was so developed....little fingures, a little nose.

I just want to bare my testimony that I know Heavenly Father knows each and everyone of us individually and loves us. Maybe our little one was just a faithful spirit that just needed a little body...but now they are in a happier and holy place and that brings me happiness. I cry not because I am bitter but because I was just so excited to be a mother and a family with my wonderful husband. But I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. That we will have children here on earth one day and that now we have a little gaurdian angel to look over us now.

Thank you to a friend who left this on my doorstep!

It's just what I needed to hear.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin.

Happy Birthday

My Birthday Boy!

Today my wonderful husband turns 25.

Happy Birthday Mr. Holt.

Your birth is definitely something to celebrate and it is amazing

all of the things you have accomplished this year!

XoXoXo