Gaurdian Angels

Well here it goes.....recently Dave and I have gone through something pretty heartbreaking and I have had a few days now to try and learn how to cope with it and I think it helps to just talk about it....rather than ignore the world and pretend like nothing happened.

Dave and I got back from Paris on cloud nine and I thought life couldn't get any better. We had just had the time of our lives, our little one was growing, Dave had received interview offers from 7 med schools and we were head over heals in love with each other. A few days later we went in for my 18 week checkup at the clinic. Our Dr. took my vitals and samples and said everything looked great and that we should schedule an ultrasound to see what our little one was...a boy or a girl. Then it was time to use the doppler and hear that precious little heartbeat we had hear just a few weeks previous. She kept moving the doppler around on my stomach and telling me to relax so it would work...1 minute turned into two....two minutes turned into four and still we couldn't find a heart beat. I was scared but kept telling myself the doppler is just stupid machine. So my Dr. went right over to her computer and asked if I would have time today to go straight to the hospital to get an ultrasound....I said yes and started to ball but was still hoping for the best. As we got to the hospital I was trying really hard not to cry....I was so worried. We went into the first room which had multiple beds and machines seperated by curtains....I kept looking at the T.V. at our little baby while the first nurse took an ultrasound and felt so much love for it. I was amazed at how big it was all ready and relieved to just be able to see our little one finally, even if there was no heartbeat. I wasn't oblivious that our nurse was silent until she asked us to move into a seperate room......it was just us sitting there in a dark room now in solitude. Another nurse came in and took a look at the baby again. She measured it and explained to us that the baby had swelling around it's head and had passed away a few weeks earlier (shortly after our last appointment where we heard the heart beat). I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. Sweet dave held me as I tearfully asked the nurse for a picture to keep. Then the Doctor came in to confirm that our little one had gone to heaven sooner than we had hoped and what would happen next. We have never been so heartbroken in our life. I know miscarriages are common....but I thought being 18 weeks along I was in the clear and was oh so excited to be a mother and for Dave to be a Father. There was nothing left to do after the doctors but to cry. Dave and I held each other and we cried for the next 24 hours. Then came the hardest part....That next afternoon Dave had to catch a flight out to St. Louis for his first med school interview....I was so excited for him and greatful that we had something to look forward to and talk about after such bad news...but now I was left alone to deal with this for the next 4 days.

I am so greatful for Dave because I know I could not have made it through those 4 days if he hadn't made me the strong woman I am today. I turned to the Lord and counted my blessings. My family were angels and brought me food and hugs. My ward was great and brought me food and hugs. I was at the point where I knew I was going to be ok and felt ready to talk about it...and then Friday came. Still no word from the Dr. as to when I could go in and get a DNC...my house was spotless, and I didn't know what to do with myself....so I went to the gym. after being on the eliptical for about 2 minutes....my water broke. I ran to the bathroom and called my sister and asked her to bring me some clothes. I talked with the Dr. and then went home. I ended up passing the fetus in my own apartment, by myself, with Dave on the phone. I was in shock and shaking and greatful Dave had some Lortab to help with the contractions in the pantry. When I saw the fetus I couldn't hold back the tears. It was so developed....little fingures, a little nose.

I just want to bare my testimony that I know Heavenly Father knows each and everyone of us individually and loves us. Maybe our little one was just a faithful spirit that just needed a little body...but now they are in a happier and holy place and that brings me happiness. I cry not because I am bitter but because I was just so excited to be a mother and a family with my wonderful husband. But I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. That we will have children here on earth one day and that now we have a little gaurdian angel to look over us now.